Honestly I don't know where to begin. Since the past few days, here are numerous thoughts and emotions racing across my mind, colliding with each other. Yet, as I sit down now to collect and organize them, I am lost in their frenzied haphazard trails...
So, a much awaited countdown is now down from months to weeks to just days! The end of a long and pivotal journey... my PhD experience and life at Bangalore. Finally I have reached the stage where I am actually clearing out my stuff from the lab and elsewhere, and packing my bags. Many many times, over the last 8 years, I have fervently waited for this phase, thinking that it would bring me boundless joy. However, now that I am really there, I feel quite different from what I had anticipated. Yes, there is definitely joy... in finally getting the passport for 'moving ahead' in life. But there is also a strange numbness, in equal measure. I realize now that familiarity indeed breeds fondness. I may have complained about almost everything that comprised the PhD journey all this while, but I will surely miss many bits of it when it suddenly becomes 'the past'!
Suddenly, the campus which I have always loved even at the lowest of times, is much more beautiful than usual. Adorned with spring and summer flowers, regularly washed down with pre-monsoon showers to revel in her greenest, prettiest best... as if only to intensify my sense of farewell. I reminisce with amusement that day in our first month at IISc, in 2007, when we had received our identity cards. My batch-mates and me shared a hearty laugh over its 8 year validity, thinking how absurdly long a time-frame they had assigned for us. Little did I know then that they had hit the bulls eye... with 31st July 2015 being very likely the date i actually say goodbye to Bangalore.
It was obviously not an easy or a very pleasant journey, but as I look back now, I realize how many lessons and survival skills I have gained for life. I finally understand why the highest degree in Science is called 'Doctor of Philosophy'. I have learnt the hard way that tenacity is sometimes most important above all... that you will meet all kinds of people and situations along the way and how you handle them is largely (though not wholly) up to you...that no matter what, you have to be able to balance work (and multiple aspects of it) along with life... and to appreciate the little things in life that we often take for granted. Even more importantly, even though I may not know 'who' I want to be; at least I know quite definitely 'who/how' I don't want to be! At the same time, I have also gained a better understanding into myself... seeing more clearly the different facets of how I think and function, and how I could probably do much better!
On a different level there is another impending separation, from Bangalore... the city I have called home for 8 years. Eight of the most critical and formative years of my life... action-packed, difficult, and stressful; yet enlightening and liberating. This is where I first stepped out of my comfort zone and tasted complete independence as well as responsibility... where I first tasted financial freedom... where I learnt to be self-reliant and make my own decisions and choices.... grew and evolved into myself more completely (for better or for worse!). Bangalore has given me all this and so much more.... so many beautiful moments and experiences, explorations of varied kinds, and great times with many people that I will cherish whenever I look back. Yes, people are a very important part of any journey, and there are at least a handful who made it so much more warm, easier, bearable, and fun ; and who I will miss and remember with great fondness.
I will miss the familiar roads and places, sights and smells, usual explorations and habits, the life and home we had built... probably more for the bond formed out familiarity, than anything else.
Already now, since the past few days that I am unconsciously noting many little things as 'the last time'!
Finally, I also realize quite ironically now that in spite of everything, my sense of independence and freedom has been somewhat an illusion. In reality, there has always been the security of protective cocoons out there. They may not have been tight enough to remind me of their presence on a micro-level, but there were always there, my secure fall-back options. The cocoons composed of the security provided by my parents and my partner... allowing me to cherish my freedom and define my life and decisions, yet keeping a guiding, watchful eye. In fact, I haven't probably spent a single day of my life, without the assurance of either cocoon or both. For the first time ever, I am now faced with a phase of unknown duration, when I will really be totally on my own, with the uncertainties of settling into a faraway, whole new life, alone.
So, a much awaited countdown is now down from months to weeks to just days! The end of a long and pivotal journey... my PhD experience and life at Bangalore. Finally I have reached the stage where I am actually clearing out my stuff from the lab and elsewhere, and packing my bags. Many many times, over the last 8 years, I have fervently waited for this phase, thinking that it would bring me boundless joy. However, now that I am really there, I feel quite different from what I had anticipated. Yes, there is definitely joy... in finally getting the passport for 'moving ahead' in life. But there is also a strange numbness, in equal measure. I realize now that familiarity indeed breeds fondness. I may have complained about almost everything that comprised the PhD journey all this while, but I will surely miss many bits of it when it suddenly becomes 'the past'!
Suddenly, the campus which I have always loved even at the lowest of times, is much more beautiful than usual. Adorned with spring and summer flowers, regularly washed down with pre-monsoon showers to revel in her greenest, prettiest best... as if only to intensify my sense of farewell. I reminisce with amusement that day in our first month at IISc, in 2007, when we had received our identity cards. My batch-mates and me shared a hearty laugh over its 8 year validity, thinking how absurdly long a time-frame they had assigned for us. Little did I know then that they had hit the bulls eye... with 31st July 2015 being very likely the date i actually say goodbye to Bangalore.
It was obviously not an easy or a very pleasant journey, but as I look back now, I realize how many lessons and survival skills I have gained for life. I finally understand why the highest degree in Science is called 'Doctor of Philosophy'. I have learnt the hard way that tenacity is sometimes most important above all... that you will meet all kinds of people and situations along the way and how you handle them is largely (though not wholly) up to you...that no matter what, you have to be able to balance work (and multiple aspects of it) along with life... and to appreciate the little things in life that we often take for granted. Even more importantly, even though I may not know 'who' I want to be; at least I know quite definitely 'who/how' I don't want to be! At the same time, I have also gained a better understanding into myself... seeing more clearly the different facets of how I think and function, and how I could probably do much better!
On a different level there is another impending separation, from Bangalore... the city I have called home for 8 years. Eight of the most critical and formative years of my life... action-packed, difficult, and stressful; yet enlightening and liberating. This is where I first stepped out of my comfort zone and tasted complete independence as well as responsibility... where I first tasted financial freedom... where I learnt to be self-reliant and make my own decisions and choices.... grew and evolved into myself more completely (for better or for worse!). Bangalore has given me all this and so much more.... so many beautiful moments and experiences, explorations of varied kinds, and great times with many people that I will cherish whenever I look back. Yes, people are a very important part of any journey, and there are at least a handful who made it so much more warm, easier, bearable, and fun ; and who I will miss and remember with great fondness.
I will miss the familiar roads and places, sights and smells, usual explorations and habits, the life and home we had built... probably more for the bond formed out familiarity, than anything else.
Already now, since the past few days that I am unconsciously noting many little things as 'the last time'!
Finally, I also realize quite ironically now that in spite of everything, my sense of independence and freedom has been somewhat an illusion. In reality, there has always been the security of protective cocoons out there. They may not have been tight enough to remind me of their presence on a micro-level, but there were always there, my secure fall-back options. The cocoons composed of the security provided by my parents and my partner... allowing me to cherish my freedom and define my life and decisions, yet keeping a guiding, watchful eye. In fact, I haven't probably spent a single day of my life, without the assurance of either cocoon or both. For the first time ever, I am now faced with a phase of unknown duration, when I will really be totally on my own, with the uncertainties of settling into a faraway, whole new life, alone.
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